Attention Baby Girl

Attention Baby Girl:
Despite your valiant attempts to break free of my womb via my rib cage, I regret to inform you that you will be stuck in that increasingly small water balloon until you learn to head toward the tunnel located directly above your head. Yes, it may make more sense to try to kick and claw your way out instead of squeezing through what seems like an impassable channel, but I’ve been reassured by many a professional, books and experienced moms that this indeed is the way into the world for you. You’re going to have to trust me on this one. Start heading south.
And one more thing…if you could please be so kind and turn over into a more desirable anterior position so as to avoid making mommy scream from the pain and torture of back labor, I will forever be grateful. We only have less than a month now and remember that mommies are very powerful people!
From your Loving Mommy

Damn those tiny little drug dealers!

If you tell me you are going to be on a corner until noon, please don’t pack up shop and skip town at 11 while I’m out getting cash for my fix! Why must Girl Crack cookies be so elusive? I ordered 6 boxes from Tim's daughter who lives in New York back in January. Do you know how long I’ve been looking forward to getting my hands on those? I still have not received my order and I’m no longer up for being patient. Three times now I’ve spotted Girl Scouts selling them at various locations, but I never have any damn cash on me!!! I must remember to spend the entire months of Feb. and March next year with a secret stash of cash on me. All three times, the little crack dealers were gone by the time I got back with cash…GRRRRR. I finally got my hands on some last week, but they only had one box of Samoas left.  I think the Leader is a little scared of me now. I grilled them about when they would be back, how long they would be there, and how many boxes of Samoas they will have at that time. But now its April, and sadly the Girl Scouts are gone for another year. Boo Hoo Hoo :'(

Third Trimester Blues

You know how early in pregnancy you see those ginormous maternity pants and think “I’ll never fit in those” — or you hear preggos talking about not being able to see their feet or get out of bed without struggling and decide “that won’t be me” — as if the rules of pregnancy somehow don’t apply to you?

Eight months later, those ginormous maternity pants are too small, you can’t see your feet, and getting out of bed requires a four-step process: roll onto the side, push up with hands, slide off bed feet first, stand.

This is my reality, yet I’m still fighting it. This morning I decided to wear a summery dress to run my errands for the day and to disguise the dark circles under my eyes. I tried three options – a wrap dress from before I was pregnant, a non-maternity dress that’s a few sizes larger than I normally wear, and a maternity dress I bought 4 months ago. Guess which one fit?

That’s right, NONE of them. The wrap dress was the funniest – the loose folds of material that used to encircle me almost twice over didn’t even close in the front. Not mommy-appropriate, I decided.

So at a little over 33 weeks, it’s starting to hit me: I am super pregnant.

Strangers notice, comment, and smirk. One lady said yesterday, "Wow, your...your all baby!" And I know, that's supposedly a nice comment, but that's just it. I'm ALL baby. My belly is sooo tight and this extra weight is something my little frame is not used too.

 My sleep has gone to you-know-where. My husband has taken to calling me “the purple penguin” as I waddle around the house in my fuzzy purple robe with the sash tied in the only comfortable spot — right under my huge breasts. (Did I really once say that pregnancy is sexy?)

And I have seven more – seven more! – weeks of growing to do. Boo hoo hoo hoo.

Complaining about all this can feel icky … ungrateful somehow, even dangerous, as if I’m tempting fate. I know I'll want so much to have another child, and I know how lucky I am to be a healthy expecting mom.

When I was trying to get pregnant, I had twinges of jealousy when I saw super-pregnant women. They seemed so secure, solid, and satisfied in the knowledge that their baby was arriving soon. Or were they just worn out and counting the days until they could be non-pregnant?! Now that I’ve joined their ranks, I’m just not sure!

31 weeks and gettin lonley...

I am now in week 31 of being pregnant and that translates to “Oh Shit that means only 9 weeks left, If I in fact make it the entire 40 weeks!” Tuesday I will enter the EIGHTH month of pregnancy and I've finally made it into the single digit week countdown.  When I look at the numbers, I think I should be more anxious and freaked out.  I am very surprised that I feel really calm about it all. When I think about all this I mainly think about the outcome, you know, holding my little angel girl and just staring at her cutie face wondering who she'll be like, who's nose, who's eyes...all the usual narcissistic stuff! But I pretty much skip over the actual labor part, I just don't want to overly freak myself out when I know it'll all turn out just the way God plans for it to. According to What To Expect she is about 3 lbs and 18 inches long. Though her length should stay about the same the rest of the time, her weight should at least double, but lets hope not triple!!

So, I'm alone pretty much through my eighth month :( and it pretty much sucks! Its only been a few days so far since Tim has been gone and already I feel so...ALONE. I can't even text or talk to him so its really getting to me. It doesn't help that I'm so emotional already and I guess the timing isn't great either, just when I can't put on my own shoes and need a back rub every night he's not here :'( I know I'm just whining, I just really miss him and am dreading the next 20 days...

Awkward Pregnancy Photos

So, I have been considering getting pregnancy pictures taken recently. At first I didn't want to have any pictures of myself pregnant but a friend told me how much she regretted not at least having one or two shots because her kids wanted to know what she looked like when she was pregnant with them. And I know I always found the pictures I've seen of my own mother pregnant fascinating. So upon giving in I started to scour the web for decent photographers. I don't want your average photos by the beach wearing a white shirt and khakis with sea grass flowing in the background that you'll find in most local photographers portfolio. I wanted to find someone different, something unique. In my search today I didn't find anyone local enough that I liked, but what I did find I had to share...these are just a few of the gems I saw on awkwardfamilyphotos.com...lets call it "inspiration"!!




I can appreciate what they were trying to do here but if your Christmas photo looks like it should have a "becka, becka, bow wow" soundtrack playing in the background, then you may want to reconsider the card.


I can't decide whether I like the garbage bag dress, the swamp or his black socks in the water better.


"That's it, Steve. A little further back, a little further. Now crouch down. Perfect!" I think the ex-boyfriend may have been the photographer in this one.


This reminds me of a picnic. A good idea in theory but an uncomfortable mess in practice.


Words can't describe this photo. Oh wait a minute, they can!


Okay, part of me doesn't have a problem with this photo but the toe shoes are the real kicker. Ha kicker!


"It's going to be a good year, Laura. A very Goodyear indeed."


At first I thought "Nothing symbolizes maternity better than a watermelon and a gun" and then I thought "Actually, nothing *does* symbolize maternity better than a watermelon and a gun". Bravo Mad'am.




"If I'm holding the baby then why do I still feel fat?"


Um, yeah. No. I'm just going to go with a solid no on this one.


Why do I feel like this woman was talked into this? I could see her thinking, "I'm just too tired to argue plus the kids won't be able to take off because hockey equipment will slow them down and I'll hold their heads. I'm sure it will look fine."

 

First let me say that these two probably had one of the cutest babies on the planet because they have the sweetest faces. I just love how she's looking at him tenderly while stealing his gun. There simply aren't enough pregnancy/gun pictures.


When I first saw this I was beyond WTF? But then I was so damn impressed with this guys agility that I'd rock this over the fireplace!! With a gun, of course.

 
Lastly, I wanted to show you all  brilliant shots that these adoptive parents did. Do you think they would adopt me too because I love them. It's no naked headstand, but I love them. Very clever.

Ladies and Gents, Introducing...

                                      Our Baby Girl!!!!

Blind shaving is NO FUN!

It’s official:  At 29 weeks pregnant I can no longer see my lady parts and I've already seen my feet for the last time for a while.  I was actually so glad when I was struggling with shaving this morning because I knew that I’d be able to blog about it!
I haven’t blogged in about a week and that’s only because my life has been filled with laying on the couch and watching tv.  Nothing else. Sounds fun huh?!  Since nothing eventful happened, I had no topic to cover for a pregnancy blog post, hence my couple of days without anything.
But now I have something to talk about…(the only man that reads this is my brother, so here's your full disclosure warning, this may not be an interesting one for you!)
So I was in the shower this morning and I felt “down there” to feel that there seemed to be a lot of hair.  Ugh.  I spared my husband this time around and I took the razor and attempted to clear the forest without being able to see what the hell I was doing.  It was a struggle, I tell you.
Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to feel something, go over it with a razor to try to remove it, and to feel it still being there?  Well, if you don’t, let me just tell you that it is extremely frustrating.  I even thought something was wrong with my razor so I switched.
Nope, definitely not the problem.
What is it about pregnancy and hair growth?  It’s ridiculous.  I can deal with the extra hair on my head and the no shedding (how fabulous is that?!), but really, can’t we all be spared with it comes to our lady parts and armpits, I mean my armpit hair grows back before i even finish shaving it! And don’t even get me started on the hair on my stomach! I'm a little lucky I guess since it is light so my belly hair isn't all that noticable.
But I did try to remove as much hair as possible and I know that there was a lot (I know, I know, sorry if that’s too much information, but really, it’s just part of being pregnant) because the razor was full each time.  Oh. Em Gee.
You can bet that I will be recruiting Tim to do a job well done there the next time, that’s for sure! I've read alot of women who just let it go down there while their pregnant, but I'll be damned if I welcome my baby into the world with a full grown Amazon Bush circa 1972!! I'm hippie, but not like that!
I also attempted to paint my toenails once I got out of the shower.  That was a no-go too. I mean they're painted, but so was the entire skin around the nail too!  I told my husband that he would have another job on days like this when I don’t have the energy to get a pedicure.  He just laughed – I wonder if he thinks I was kidding...Poor guy.