My apology to Mother Earth

With the upcoming Earth Day on Friday I thought I needed to say something.

I am sorry for the ridiculous amounts of toilet paper I have personally been responsible for flushing down the toilet over the last 10 months. Between the constant checking of what was going on and coming out down there, the excessive paranoia induced checks to see if I was spotting throughout the first trimester, and the increasingly frequent and futile trips to urinate throughout the pregnancy, I already feel like I’m personally responsible for at least half an acre of dead rainforest. Add to that my now constant urge to poop, which, just as in the constant urge to pee, rarely yields anything substantial, and I feel I am well on my way to killing at least one polar bear, as well.

The Top Ten

The following compilations are my top ten do’s and don’ts to say to your pregnant friends and/or family. If anyone reading this has been pregnant and would like to contribute to the list, please do. Let’s enlighten everybody.
Okay, so let’s start with positives. These are my top ten things you SHOULD say to a pregnant woman.

Appearance and Lifestyle
1. Pregnancy really agrees with you!
2. You are glowing! And I LOVE your shoes!
3. I can tell you’re trying really hard to be healthy! You’re doing everything right!
4. You have so much motivation to exercise while you’re pregnant!
5. Stop feeling guilty!
6. Your maternity clothes are so cute!
7 . I can’t tell you’re pregnant from the front! It looks like a little basketball under your clothes!
8. You work so hard!
9. Put your feet up, take a warm bath, and get a massage!
10. You are the most beautiful pregnant woman I have ever seen!

Choices
1. That’s great! I respect your choice!
2. Labor at home sounds like an incredible experience, and you will love it! It will change your life!
3. I can see you’ve really done your homework.
4. Women are just trying to scare you when they say that!
5. That was a smart decision!
6. Everything will turn out just the way you've planned!
7. I’m GLAD you want to breastfeed! I’ll help you in any way I can!
8. You can handle anything!
9. Labor? It’s not as bad as some women say!
10. You’re coping so well! You’re a rock star! You are ROCKING THIS PREGNANCY!

Okay, now let’s move on to things NOT to say, EVER, to a pregnant woman. I’ve heard all of them.
1. Are you CRAZY?!?
2. You’re going to hate that decision later.
3. The difference between a dead baby and a live baby is a CPR class. You’d better take one.
4. Your "giny" will never be the same after you give birth.
5. Wow. You have a huge baby in there. Huge. Seriously, that kid is going to be huge. That’s a big belly for a tiny woman.
6. You’ll change your mind about that. Just wait.
7. You’re going to be sorry if there is an emergency and you have a home birth. My baby was born with (insert disaster here) and WE BOTH would have DIED if we hadn’t been in the hospital.
8. My baby was born prematurely when I went out of town, you should just stay at home the rest of the time.
9. The WORST part of labor was (insert disgusting horror story here).
10. A huge beast stepped on my plant and killed it. (This person has apologized profusely and very sincerely but in  my hormonal emotional state its really only ok when I call myself a huge beast. Any other time I might have laughed. Not this time).

Thankfully, I am FINALLY learning how to blow them off. Like, in the past week. And some change has come over me, because I am finally able, in this last week, to be able to honestly look at myself and feel a certain sense of prettiness, and to actually love the belly. Not just accept it, but love it.
Why do people say weird things to pregnant women? And women who have had babies are equal offenders in the matter. My husband and I were just talking about this. It seems other women LOVE to share their horror stories, as if it’s their badge of honor. Why can’t having a simple, uncomplicated, safe, and healthy birth be a badge of honor? Why can’t so many women relish the chance to say “My birth went so well-we had no complications and everything was peaceful?” Instead, women love to come up to any random woman on the street that they may see with a belly and say “I labored for 36 hours and every moment was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.” Maybe it’s true, but if it is, keep it to yourself and SHUT UP THE FUCK UP, FOR GOD’S SAKE! BE SUPPORTIVE! Just because your birth was awful doesn’t mean mine will be!!!!

I am reaching a peaceful state of mind about our upcoming home birth after having our official home visit yesterday. I’m ready for whatever the moment brings. I have been hearing a word lately that has really resonated with me-surrender. There is only so much I can control when the moment comes. I will know my environment. I will know the 5 people who are there to help me. I will have some tools at hand that I’ve learned to try and cope with. Beyond that, the entire effort is a surrender to what my body is going to do, and I cannot control that in any way. I can only let go. Surrender puts you at peace in your heart. Knowing you cannot manipulate a situation to go the way you want is calming. Knowing that all you can do is go with it is actually comforting. This isn’t a test that I’m about to fail for lack of studying. It’s possibly messy and loud and painful, but not scary, not controlled by doctors, and not life threatening. And not controlled by me. What a relief. It’s a big burden lifted, actually. Before, I was taking total responsibility for how things were going to progress. Now, all I have to do is let it progress, and whatever happens, happens.

Just because...
Favorite foods while pregnant
1. Cereal & milk
2. Pineapple
3. Cottage cheese with sliced pears
4. Fruit Roll ups
5. Steak
6. Peanut butter
7. Strawberries
8. Potatoes
9. Granola bars
10. Banannas

Hug your pregnant friends today and tell them they are beautiful. If you keep saying it, they will start to believe it. It takes dozens of good comments and positive attitudes to make a pregnant woman feel secure and happy, and JUST ONE comment to bring everything crashing down to the ground and shake her confidence and make her cry! So everyone, both men AND WOMEN, please choose your wisdom carefully when sharing it with a woman who is nervous and pregnant for the first time-she’s freaking out way more than she lets on.

Attention Baby Girl

Attention Baby Girl:
Despite your valiant attempts to break free of my womb via my rib cage, I regret to inform you that you will be stuck in that increasingly small water balloon until you learn to head toward the tunnel located directly above your head. Yes, it may make more sense to try to kick and claw your way out instead of squeezing through what seems like an impassable channel, but I’ve been reassured by many a professional, books and experienced moms that this indeed is the way into the world for you. You’re going to have to trust me on this one. Start heading south.
And one more thing…if you could please be so kind and turn over into a more desirable anterior position so as to avoid making mommy scream from the pain and torture of back labor, I will forever be grateful. We only have less than a month now and remember that mommies are very powerful people!
From your Loving Mommy

Damn those tiny little drug dealers!

If you tell me you are going to be on a corner until noon, please don’t pack up shop and skip town at 11 while I’m out getting cash for my fix! Why must Girl Crack cookies be so elusive? I ordered 6 boxes from Tim's daughter who lives in New York back in January. Do you know how long I’ve been looking forward to getting my hands on those? I still have not received my order and I’m no longer up for being patient. Three times now I’ve spotted Girl Scouts selling them at various locations, but I never have any damn cash on me!!! I must remember to spend the entire months of Feb. and March next year with a secret stash of cash on me. All three times, the little crack dealers were gone by the time I got back with cash…GRRRRR. I finally got my hands on some last week, but they only had one box of Samoas left.  I think the Leader is a little scared of me now. I grilled them about when they would be back, how long they would be there, and how many boxes of Samoas they will have at that time. But now its April, and sadly the Girl Scouts are gone for another year. Boo Hoo Hoo :'(

Third Trimester Blues

You know how early in pregnancy you see those ginormous maternity pants and think “I’ll never fit in those” — or you hear preggos talking about not being able to see their feet or get out of bed without struggling and decide “that won’t be me” — as if the rules of pregnancy somehow don’t apply to you?

Eight months later, those ginormous maternity pants are too small, you can’t see your feet, and getting out of bed requires a four-step process: roll onto the side, push up with hands, slide off bed feet first, stand.

This is my reality, yet I’m still fighting it. This morning I decided to wear a summery dress to run my errands for the day and to disguise the dark circles under my eyes. I tried three options – a wrap dress from before I was pregnant, a non-maternity dress that’s a few sizes larger than I normally wear, and a maternity dress I bought 4 months ago. Guess which one fit?

That’s right, NONE of them. The wrap dress was the funniest – the loose folds of material that used to encircle me almost twice over didn’t even close in the front. Not mommy-appropriate, I decided.

So at a little over 33 weeks, it’s starting to hit me: I am super pregnant.

Strangers notice, comment, and smirk. One lady said yesterday, "Wow, your...your all baby!" And I know, that's supposedly a nice comment, but that's just it. I'm ALL baby. My belly is sooo tight and this extra weight is something my little frame is not used too.

 My sleep has gone to you-know-where. My husband has taken to calling me “the purple penguin” as I waddle around the house in my fuzzy purple robe with the sash tied in the only comfortable spot — right under my huge breasts. (Did I really once say that pregnancy is sexy?)

And I have seven more – seven more! – weeks of growing to do. Boo hoo hoo hoo.

Complaining about all this can feel icky … ungrateful somehow, even dangerous, as if I’m tempting fate. I know I'll want so much to have another child, and I know how lucky I am to be a healthy expecting mom.

When I was trying to get pregnant, I had twinges of jealousy when I saw super-pregnant women. They seemed so secure, solid, and satisfied in the knowledge that their baby was arriving soon. Or were they just worn out and counting the days until they could be non-pregnant?! Now that I’ve joined their ranks, I’m just not sure!

31 weeks and gettin lonley...

I am now in week 31 of being pregnant and that translates to “Oh Shit that means only 9 weeks left, If I in fact make it the entire 40 weeks!” Tuesday I will enter the EIGHTH month of pregnancy and I've finally made it into the single digit week countdown.  When I look at the numbers, I think I should be more anxious and freaked out.  I am very surprised that I feel really calm about it all. When I think about all this I mainly think about the outcome, you know, holding my little angel girl and just staring at her cutie face wondering who she'll be like, who's nose, who's eyes...all the usual narcissistic stuff! But I pretty much skip over the actual labor part, I just don't want to overly freak myself out when I know it'll all turn out just the way God plans for it to. According to What To Expect she is about 3 lbs and 18 inches long. Though her length should stay about the same the rest of the time, her weight should at least double, but lets hope not triple!!

So, I'm alone pretty much through my eighth month :( and it pretty much sucks! Its only been a few days so far since Tim has been gone and already I feel so...ALONE. I can't even text or talk to him so its really getting to me. It doesn't help that I'm so emotional already and I guess the timing isn't great either, just when I can't put on my own shoes and need a back rub every night he's not here :'( I know I'm just whining, I just really miss him and am dreading the next 20 days...

Awkward Pregnancy Photos

So, I have been considering getting pregnancy pictures taken recently. At first I didn't want to have any pictures of myself pregnant but a friend told me how much she regretted not at least having one or two shots because her kids wanted to know what she looked like when she was pregnant with them. And I know I always found the pictures I've seen of my own mother pregnant fascinating. So upon giving in I started to scour the web for decent photographers. I don't want your average photos by the beach wearing a white shirt and khakis with sea grass flowing in the background that you'll find in most local photographers portfolio. I wanted to find someone different, something unique. In my search today I didn't find anyone local enough that I liked, but what I did find I had to share...these are just a few of the gems I saw on awkwardfamilyphotos.com...lets call it "inspiration"!!




I can appreciate what they were trying to do here but if your Christmas photo looks like it should have a "becka, becka, bow wow" soundtrack playing in the background, then you may want to reconsider the card.


I can't decide whether I like the garbage bag dress, the swamp or his black socks in the water better.


"That's it, Steve. A little further back, a little further. Now crouch down. Perfect!" I think the ex-boyfriend may have been the photographer in this one.


This reminds me of a picnic. A good idea in theory but an uncomfortable mess in practice.


Words can't describe this photo. Oh wait a minute, they can!


Okay, part of me doesn't have a problem with this photo but the toe shoes are the real kicker. Ha kicker!


"It's going to be a good year, Laura. A very Goodyear indeed."


At first I thought "Nothing symbolizes maternity better than a watermelon and a gun" and then I thought "Actually, nothing *does* symbolize maternity better than a watermelon and a gun". Bravo Mad'am.




"If I'm holding the baby then why do I still feel fat?"


Um, yeah. No. I'm just going to go with a solid no on this one.


Why do I feel like this woman was talked into this? I could see her thinking, "I'm just too tired to argue plus the kids won't be able to take off because hockey equipment will slow them down and I'll hold their heads. I'm sure it will look fine."

 

First let me say that these two probably had one of the cutest babies on the planet because they have the sweetest faces. I just love how she's looking at him tenderly while stealing his gun. There simply aren't enough pregnancy/gun pictures.


When I first saw this I was beyond WTF? But then I was so damn impressed with this guys agility that I'd rock this over the fireplace!! With a gun, of course.

 
Lastly, I wanted to show you all  brilliant shots that these adoptive parents did. Do you think they would adopt me too because I love them. It's no naked headstand, but I love them. Very clever.