The exact times and certain details remain fuzzy, I was working too hard to look at a clock, but this is the best I can recall! For-warning: This is REAL, I don't want to sugar coat how I felt and what i was thinking.
Well, here it is. My LOOOOOOOONNNNNGGG birth story. I figured I need to do it right, get as many details down as possible before I forget. So please forgive me if it seems long winded (seems…hell, it is), but I am trying to preserve whatever memories I can before the baby sucks them all out of my head.
I seriously never thought it would be this hard to find a little free time with a newborn. The eat like all the FREAKING time, and then they poop and then it leaks onto their cute clothes that are too big, and then you have to do laundry, and then you have to find time to pee, and then they have to EAT AGAIN!!!
It’s 3 in the morning. I told myself I could not go to bed tonight until this was done. I’m exhausted. Enjoy.
May 3rd, 8:00 am – Wake up for the second time in 4 hours to pee…stumble to bathroom. Replace empty toilet paper roll…AGAIN. Ugh. Wipe, check TP (because this is now second nature)…no spotting. Head to back to bed. Feel a Braxton Hick contraction on the way. I lay there for a while not sleeping, feeling my girl move around in there. 20 minutes later, another contraction. This is good. This has to be a sign of labor soon! I'm going shopping with my mom in a little while, so I get up and have some breakfast and get ready. I keep having those contractions, but I'm not really timing them. I think they're fake. Same ol Braxton Hicks I've been having for weeks now.
2:00pm- I've been out walking around shopping all day and those "Braxton Hicks" never let up, so my Mom starts to time them to see if they are regular. Every 20 minutes still. She thinks I'm in labor. I think, no way, this is supposed to hurt. Inside I'm hoping I am though! Try not to get excited, Kris.
3:00pm – We stop at my midwife Cindi's office to let her know whats up. I think this is a waste of time, my Mom insists we tell her. She decides to check me to see if I'm at all dilated and give me a little "sweep". I'm 1-2cm and I feelmy first REAL contraction! OMG I almost shoved Cindi across the room and I got so hot my body turned to instant sweat! THIS is what labors gonna be like?!?! (Maybe I don't want to do this after all!) We head out with orders to call her if anything changes. I get home and tell Tim whats been going on. He doesn't seem fazed. He has to work and doesn't want me to stay home alone so I go with him to just hang out. The contractions are still coming every 20 minutes, but now they hurt like they did when she sweeped me. All signs are pointing to meeting my baby soon.
6:00pm- I call Cindi because the contractions are now 15 minutes apart and are really starting to be uncomfortable. She tells me to do squats during each contraction because we don't labor to stall out, we want her to come today! Tim and I are both excited, but both trying hard not to show it. It’s like we’re afraid we’ll scare the contractions away. So we hang up and I start this squatting business with the very next contraction. So within 30 minutes...
6:30pm- OK, they are every 5 minutes now. Still uncomfortable, but I'm alright...I think. Keep in mind I'm still at work with Tim so I'm managing OK.
7:00pm- “Baby…I think I’m in labor. Its every 3 minutes now and I don't think I can stay here anymore. We need to go home.”
7:30pm- I decide to get into the bathtub, hoping to ease the pain. I called the midwife right before and she says to call her to come over when I think I need her. That this is MY labor and she only needs to be here when I don't think I can do it anymore without her. I'm thinking that I'm not real sure when that is because I'm really hurting now and with only 3 minutes between there's not much time for me to catch my breath. So I bath and shave. Yes, I shaved. Who knows when I’ll have time to do this again? Tim calls my Mom to come over. Contractions are still coming every 3 minutes.
8:00pm- I'm out of the bath and Tim has gotten everything ready...the birth pool is set up, the bed is made with shower curtains and old sheets, the floor around the tub has the lined table clothes down. He also lights candles and dims the lights. I’m starting my relaxation exercises, breathing and sitting on my birthing ball. I nearly die when I try to sit on the birth ball during a contraction and Tim reads my made up sign language that was meant to say, “Let me lean on you” as “Pull me up from this ball in the middle of this contraction”. Holy shit. That. hurt. so. bad. I want to beat him after the contraction is over. But I aim to please and I didn't want to make him feel bad for doing what he thought helped. I’m very caught up in all the details right now but at the same time I'm really in pain and with no time between I'm on all fours bending over the couch, face planted wondering if I should call Cindi now? There is no "good" position during a contraction. I sat I stood I squatted I sat on the ball I got on all fours. Nothing makes it better. Turns out the birth ball was sent from Satan himself.
8:30pm- The call is made. She is on her way. I'm crying now. That last contraction just really broke me and I'm only 2 hours in!
Breath, Breath...OK. I can do this. I got this. Remember the outcome.
9:00pm-12:00am ish- The birth team arrives and I'm so grateful. For some reason I feel like this means the baby will be here sooner. Ha. They start to fill the birth pool cause I am more than ready to get in warm water and try and relax a little. Even though it probably didn't take too much time I felt like it was hours upon hours before I could get in it. Tim and Dan are in the kitchen making brownies and food for after birth. Tim keeps coming in to sit with me and at this point I start to lose track of time. He starts his job as coach, rubbing my back through each contraction. Moms close by doing the same. The only time I seem to be able to keep is the contractions that still keep pounding at me every 3 minutes and my water has yet to break. The music we want to welcome her into the world is now on, and it feels nice. The pool is finally ready. This is no pansy ass tub. It’s huge and deep and all bumps (boobs and belly) fit under the water at the same time. The lights are out and the candles are glowing making me feel like I’m at a spa, if it weren't for these damn contractions! I’ve lost most of my modesty at this point and I’m naked. The water feels nice, but oh, it still hurts like a bitch, make no mistake about that. I catch myself a couple times in the middle of a contraction thinking, “How can I do this again?” but I stop that train as soon as possible and promise myself to only think about each contraction as they come. That frame of mind helps immensely.
I spend an hour in the pool, laboring away, Mom putting cold compresses on my head, Tim rubbing me and quietly singing to the music. I get out out and lay on the sofa, and I hit a breaking point once again. This is the point of the night where things go fuzzy. I've been in pain for a while now with steady 3 minute apart contractions. I'm REALLY not sure I can keep this up. That’s okay, I tell myself, you’re probably really far along now and that’s why they are hurting so bad. I don't feel progress happening and my water is still intact and without being checked I am starting to give up...a little. So we ask Cindi to check my cervix because I can't go on not knowing the progress. She says I'm 6cm and my water is bulging. She tells me that's great news! You know, your over halfway there! I think, FUCK. Only half way?? I'm in an out of conscientiousness every 3 minutes, squeezing Tim's hand, listening to Michelle, the angel from God, talk me through each contraction. I'm starting to let out screams of torture. “No. You can’t do that. You can’t let this get to you. You have to get it together.” I like this girl. She’s not going to coddle me. She’s going to look in my eyes and tell me to put on my big girl panties and take it like a woman. Good. I need that. I've made it upstairs in bed now. I'm not sure how, but I'm losing it again. I'm gonna give up at any moment without any progress. She says "If I break your water you will go from 6 to 10 really fast and you will be able to push very soon. Is that what you want?” Is that what I WANT?? Are you kidding me? No. I want to experience this pain as long as possible and wait for the kid to decide at 5 tomorrow evening that she’s going to break my water in a game of darts. “Yes….YES.. do it…just DO IT NOW!” I see the crochet hook headed toward me, and close my eyes. I feel what I thought I would feel when my water breaks, a gush of warmth.
12:00am ish-3:00am- So THIS is transition. The rational part of my brain knows this. I know this is the quickest and most painful part of labor. I know that I am so close to pushing. I keep praying to feel that “urge to push” that I hear is just like having to take a giant shit. I mean, everyone always says how great it feels to push…how transition hurts like a bitch, but pushing is such a relief. The rational part of my brain says that I feel this awful because I will be pushing very soon and it will all feel so much better. However, the other part of my brain, the What The Fuck Have You Done part, does not believe the rational part.
Here is a brief excerpt from the conversation between the two sides in my head – “What the hell have you done? This is TERRIBLE!! You are such an IDIOT! You are going to die. You are too far gone for meds now...? You moron"
" Calm down, this is just transition. It’s good that you feel this way. That means you are close"
" What the FUCK ever. The only way this kid is coming out of you is if they kill you or cut her out. Way to go. You are NEVER doing this again. NEVER. Tell Tim that… tell him that NOW.”
I begin to get that I have to poop feeling. Yayayayayayayay!!! I feel I HAVE to push. I tell the midwife I gotta push, just in case it really is me having to poop. It’s about to start feeling better. I’m so exhausted from transition. I am passing out for the brief seconds I have between contractions. The natural instinct to bear down and push begins to take over. The midwife tells me to give it a try on the next contraction.
Its only been what I think is a few minutes, maybe 10, since she broke my water. So I start...Okay…so I just do what I think is pushing…well, crap…this doesn’t feel like it’s working… and HEY!… why is this not “feeling better”??? I have no idea what I’m doing. I begin to get a little freaked out. The next contraction comes, I start to push harder. I think I’m making a little more progress now, but THIS DOES NOT FEEL GOOD! What a load of crap! Everyone who says “Oh, pushing feels so good. It’s such a great feeling to push,” kiss my ass right now. Yes, it feels better than the alternative – keeping that 7 pound bowling ball in your vagina – but it does NOT feel good. It hurts like hell. 30 minutes later, I'm getting no where. I lay with my back against the headboard pushing, I squat on the side of the bed, I get on all fours on the bed. Nada. Cindi tells me to sit on the toilet and try pushing. It will help let me know the right way to push because its more natural to push while your on the toilet. So I do, and I have Aimee the birth assistant in front of me and I'm really squeezing her arms with every push. I mean bone breaking. Poor lady! But I can feel I'm doing it right. After some time doing this, I get orders to go up and down the stairs, squatting and pushing with each contraction. This really sucks! But this is really effective, I can tell I'm pushing her down now. I keep thinking of what she'll look like and how nice it will feel to hold her to get through each pounding! At this point its really the only thing that's keeping me going. My baby.
Back up in bed. We definitely have a routine down now. I ride the contractions and make lots of noises which I’m convinced are frightening anyone who may be outside cause the windows are open and for some reason I'm aware of this. Cindi says part of my cervix has not thinned out completely and its stopping her head from coming down anymore. She says she can flip it up over baby's head or I can just wait til it thins out. Seriously? I've been putting alot of work into pushing, I'm not waiting for shit. FLIP IT OVER HER HEAD ALREADY!!!!! She does and within a few minutes everyone is staring at my lady parts coaching me along. I start pushing like my life depends on it, and then I push even more. Everyone keeps telling me that I’m so close. I think they are lying. I tell them this aloud. I'm accusing them all of being big fat liars in my mind who are just telling me that so that I will keep pushing for the next three hours. I scream. I am sternly reminded not to do this by my midwife. I’m supposed to “push through the pain” and do deep grunting instead of high screams. This is so counter intuitive. They all say now they can see her head!! Tim has a great eye and sees every part of me that tenses up. He reminds me very sweetly to relax and keep my chin down and doesn’t let me hyperventilate or scream through the contractions, which is getting hard not to do. Push Krisi, PUSH! Mothereffer, I'm PUSHING!!!! Someone says, look at all that hair! They put a mirror down there for me to see, dang, girl does have a lot of hair! (I freaking knew it!)
3:00am-3:10am- Seeing her head actually coming gives me this superwoman burst. I'm getting her out, and I'm getting her out NOW! Problem is, I don't have anything left in me. I've been pushing for TWO HOURS! And I've been 3 minutes apart for 6 hours and I'm spent. But I have to just get her out, shes almost here and I want to see her. They say her hands are up by her face, making it real hard to get her out. So Cindi grabs an arm and gets it out and I push so hard I'm feeling that "ring of fire" now and it burns burns burns...out comes her head. She's completely alert and awake and her eyes are wide open, she's looking right at me. Oh my God. My midwife now says to let that contraction go and wait for the next to give her the final push. This ends up being, ironically, the LONGEST 3 minutes in the past 9 hours, her head just chillin down there. With one last harder than hell push, out she comes and up onto my bare chest. Shes really clean and isn't covered in all that messy stuff!
3:10am- I meet my daughter Harlan Grace. She feels so good against me. I can't believe this. This is unbelievable. I have a daughter. And shes perfect. And everything that just conspired over the last 9 hours goes away. Shes here.
She looks up at me and we both just stare at each other like the sky has fallen. She lays on me for a little while and we wait a bit to cut the cord, letting her get the most of it. She is so awake and she wants eat! Yay! I have a true breastfeeding champion here!
Tim weighs her, she's 7lbs1oz. and she is 20 inches. She looks so tiny. And has a pretty round head for a vaginal delivery.
I am so proud of myself for accomplishing a med-free birth. Tim was such a perfect coach too, as was the birth team. And I’m so glad that my mom got to be there for it all, helping me along, keeping me sane from start to finish. It was the absolute perfect birth experience.
I am so glad the pain is over….. or so I thought……
To be continued – stay tuned for the gruesome stories of post partum recovery.
9 days old
Ididn't get to have a photographer there, but here are the less graphic pics from her birthday.
