Awkward Pregnancy Photos

So, I have been considering getting pregnancy pictures taken recently. At first I didn't want to have any pictures of myself pregnant but a friend told me how much she regretted not at least having one or two shots because her kids wanted to know what she looked like when she was pregnant with them. And I know I always found the pictures I've seen of my own mother pregnant fascinating. So upon giving in I started to scour the web for decent photographers. I don't want your average photos by the beach wearing a white shirt and khakis with sea grass flowing in the background that you'll find in most local photographers portfolio. I wanted to find someone different, something unique. In my search today I didn't find anyone local enough that I liked, but what I did find I had to share...these are just a few of the gems I saw on awkwardfamilyphotos.com...lets call it "inspiration"!!




I can appreciate what they were trying to do here but if your Christmas photo looks like it should have a "becka, becka, bow wow" soundtrack playing in the background, then you may want to reconsider the card.


I can't decide whether I like the garbage bag dress, the swamp or his black socks in the water better.


"That's it, Steve. A little further back, a little further. Now crouch down. Perfect!" I think the ex-boyfriend may have been the photographer in this one.


This reminds me of a picnic. A good idea in theory but an uncomfortable mess in practice.


Words can't describe this photo. Oh wait a minute, they can!


Okay, part of me doesn't have a problem with this photo but the toe shoes are the real kicker. Ha kicker!


"It's going to be a good year, Laura. A very Goodyear indeed."


At first I thought "Nothing symbolizes maternity better than a watermelon and a gun" and then I thought "Actually, nothing *does* symbolize maternity better than a watermelon and a gun". Bravo Mad'am.




"If I'm holding the baby then why do I still feel fat?"


Um, yeah. No. I'm just going to go with a solid no on this one.


Why do I feel like this woman was talked into this? I could see her thinking, "I'm just too tired to argue plus the kids won't be able to take off because hockey equipment will slow them down and I'll hold their heads. I'm sure it will look fine."

 

First let me say that these two probably had one of the cutest babies on the planet because they have the sweetest faces. I just love how she's looking at him tenderly while stealing his gun. There simply aren't enough pregnancy/gun pictures.


When I first saw this I was beyond WTF? But then I was so damn impressed with this guys agility that I'd rock this over the fireplace!! With a gun, of course.

 
Lastly, I wanted to show you all  brilliant shots that these adoptive parents did. Do you think they would adopt me too because I love them. It's no naked headstand, but I love them. Very clever.

Ladies and Gents, Introducing...

                                      Our Baby Girl!!!!

Blind shaving is NO FUN!

It’s official:  At 29 weeks pregnant I can no longer see my lady parts and I've already seen my feet for the last time for a while.  I was actually so glad when I was struggling with shaving this morning because I knew that I’d be able to blog about it!
I haven’t blogged in about a week and that’s only because my life has been filled with laying on the couch and watching tv.  Nothing else. Sounds fun huh?!  Since nothing eventful happened, I had no topic to cover for a pregnancy blog post, hence my couple of days without anything.
But now I have something to talk about…(the only man that reads this is my brother, so here's your full disclosure warning, this may not be an interesting one for you!)
So I was in the shower this morning and I felt “down there” to feel that there seemed to be a lot of hair.  Ugh.  I spared my husband this time around and I took the razor and attempted to clear the forest without being able to see what the hell I was doing.  It was a struggle, I tell you.
Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to feel something, go over it with a razor to try to remove it, and to feel it still being there?  Well, if you don’t, let me just tell you that it is extremely frustrating.  I even thought something was wrong with my razor so I switched.
Nope, definitely not the problem.
What is it about pregnancy and hair growth?  It’s ridiculous.  I can deal with the extra hair on my head and the no shedding (how fabulous is that?!), but really, can’t we all be spared with it comes to our lady parts and armpits, I mean my armpit hair grows back before i even finish shaving it! And don’t even get me started on the hair on my stomach! I'm a little lucky I guess since it is light so my belly hair isn't all that noticable.
But I did try to remove as much hair as possible and I know that there was a lot (I know, I know, sorry if that’s too much information, but really, it’s just part of being pregnant) because the razor was full each time.  Oh. Em Gee.
You can bet that I will be recruiting Tim to do a job well done there the next time, that’s for sure! I've read alot of women who just let it go down there while their pregnant, but I'll be damned if I welcome my baby into the world with a full grown Amazon Bush circa 1972!! I'm hippie, but not like that!
I also attempted to paint my toenails once I got out of the shower.  That was a no-go too. I mean they're painted, but so was the entire skin around the nail too!  I told my husband that he would have another job on days like this when I don’t have the energy to get a pedicure.  He just laughed – I wonder if he thinks I was kidding...Poor guy.

We're on the home stretch Baby!

Dear Baby,
I’m 28 weeks pregnant with you, which means you’re about 26 weeks (ish) old.  Even though we haven’t officially met yet, I feel like I’m starting to get to know you.
For instance, I know you have at least two hobbies: Rolling over and karate kicks! One day not long ago, I counted three separate instances of you hiccuping. I hope it didn’t bother you too much. When I have hiccups, I just want to get rid of ‘em. Supposedly, you having hiccups is a sign of your maturing nervous system and it’s a good thing. And though your ninja kicks sometimes take me by surprise, I know your doing good in there. And since your Asian I guess I can forgive you for that, I mean its only natural for you!
You seem coziest in my lower abdomen, usually way below my stretched-out bellybutton. Yet, you have plenty of room to stretch out if you want. Sometimes, I feel you moving at my sides. Other times, you’re trying to tickle my ribs. I guess if you were mostly higher up, it might be more uncomfortable for me to take deep breaths. Instead, I get to go to the bathroom all the time, since you’re squishin’ my bladder.
I’ve decided I’m your “apartment” since I take care of the exterior (me) and your own living quarters are pretty much up to you, unless you need special assistance. By the way, you’ll be getting your eviction notice pretty soon. In nine weeks, you’ll technically be full-term. In 12 weeks, I’ll be 40 weeks pregnant, or at my official due date. If you choose to be a little slow to vacate the premises, your landlady will probably try to encourage you to leave. Please move out when you’re fully ready, but I’d really appreciate it if you came on your own. I’d rather not be induced, if ya don’t mind.
You do owe rent, but it won’t be due for a few decades. You’ll pay that by having a child of your own. Yes, my dear, that’s what we call the circle of life *cue Lion King theme music*.
Your daddy and I have already finished getting your room put together. I ordered your crib and dresser and your Daddy put all the pieces together. I hope it’s cozy for you. After a frustrating time trying to sort through the bazillion different varieties, we settled on a 4 in 1 convertible crib that was highly ranked by Consumer Reports! Let’s hope it doesn’t get recalled. Seems like that happens a lot.
We got you a mattress that’s also supposedly one of the top baby mattress choices out there. It’s ultra-firm and it weighs like seven or eight pounds. That ought to be nice when it’s 2 a.m. and your diaper explodes and I need to put new sheets on the bed! I have double mattress lined and sheeted it in case that happens! But for the first few weeks you'll be sleeping in a beautiful bassinet in our room :) or quite possibly in Mommy and Daddy's bed if you so choose!
Also, we picked up your car seat travel system. It seems cozy enough. In theory, it’ll last you a little while.
I’ve got a closet full of clothes for you already, but it still doesn't seem to be enough! I’m keeping track of it by sizes so I know when I have enough of certain items, but I don't know how big your little booty is gonna be so its tough deciding how much of what size. No offense, but I’m expecting you to be a messy baby, with lots of spit-ups, barfs, diaper explosions, and general baby goo. Go ahead and surprise me and be a neat, un-gooey baby, but I’m not holding my breath (except for when I’m changing those stinky diapers!).
Because of that, I anticipate needing to change your clothes a few times per day. I want to have enough clothing to be able to do your laundry no more than twice per week, is that wishful thinking?!
This week, your daddy and I will attend our first Bradley method childbirth class. We hope to meet some nice people and learn how to help you be born.
Last week I took my gestational diabetes test, and I haven't seen our midwife yet but I'm guessing I'm OK because I assume she'd call me if I did have it as I'd have to change my eating habits. I'm not into diets, so thank God for that!
Yay to us both for making it into the third trimester! This last bit is going to be something else. You’re going to grow a ton of that cute baby fat, and I’m going to plump up a lot! Whatchoutnow!
See you soon!
Love,
Your Mommy

He's ugly but man he makes great sperm!?!?

According to FOX News, findings from the University of Oxford and University College London claim that attractive males produce less sperm during sex. Researchers think good-looking males are biologically geared to hold back their sperm in each sexual encounter to increase their chance of impregnating more females. (In simpler terms, the hunks are going to have many chances to have sex, so they are programmed to not give everything they’ve got in one shot. The ugly guys somehow realize they may not get other chances and put all their sperm in one basket, so to speak.)

Here are my problems with this study:

How does a researcher determine who is good looking and who isn’t? Isn’t beauty in the eye of the beholder?

What about guys who go around thinking they are good looking but aren’t? Are their sperm confused as to whether they should stay or go?

Did some ugly scientist come up with the idea for this study to prove his manhood?

(Does anyone else remember that old, offensive song that went something like, “If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. So from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.” I think I hear a sequel in the works . . . .)

Boobs, Milk and Drugs

The other evening, I picked up one of my “How to care for an infant” books and began reading. I think it’s a pretty decent read for those of us who haven’t had a child yet and are looking at a baby wondering, when do I feed that thing? When do I wash it? Why is it breathing all creepy?
I picked up some useful information. I had no idea that a baby gets a white mouth if it has thrush. I didn’t know a newborn needed “Tummy Time.” You get the idea. Little nuts and bolts of raising an infant to make me more informed, less ignorant, and therefore more confident.
However, when I got to the breastfeeding section, I kind of panicked. It sounded highly technical and riddled with difficulty. Broken down into hours, ounces, infections, blocked ducts, overproducing, under producing, pumping, freezing…Ugh, its incredibly discouraging. As I read, I became convinced that my baby was going to reject me, not eat, become malnourished, and in a last minute save I’d be forced to give her a bottle and hence feel like a massive failure.
So in a kind of panicky mood, I emailed a few people, and thankfully, my midwife answered the call. She told me that there was a breastfeeding support group that meets monthly, a La Leche League they call it. I immediately email the "president" to find out the schedule. I'm not really one for group joining, and I don't typically like to meet anyone new (I know, I'm a hermit loser!) but a whole group of women that sits around breastfeeding, talking about breastfeeding, teaching about us newbies about breastfeeding, YAY for me, I'm attending!!
So then I receive an email from a friend with this link to a video showing the difference between an infant who had a medicated birth and one who had an un-medicated birth. The video shows the baby on the  mothers chest right after birth. It’s really powerful testimony when you seen an alert little guy grab onto a breast right away and know exactly what to do, as opposed to a sleepy and lethargic little guy who couldn’t quite seem to get it together. He almost seemed confused by the breast and didn’t even really try for it. If you’re reading this and you want to see, check it out-link is below…

http://www.facetofind.com/video?w=MTE0NDc4ODk4NTczMTk2#downloading


I've known from the moment I found out I was pregnant I wanted a non medicated home birth with a wonderful mid-wife helping me along surrounded by my family. But seeing this video makes me feel even more confident to make it through, as hard as it may be, all natural. I don't want my baby born all doped up off pain medicine just because I couldn't handle it! (Mom, when I'm screaming for pain relief during my labor, remind me of this!! LOL)

Its Real.

Last night, while I was taking a bath, I saw Baby do a complete roll over. It was fascinating. I thought, “wow, a person just rolled over in there.” Obvious, but continually startling, is the fact that a baby is hanging out in my uterus. She’s two pounds-ish. At this point, she’s a tiny and fully formed baby-looking baby. And I don’t know what parts I saw moving, but it was definitely a first-time massive show of force by the Baby growing in there. The other night, she kicked me 6 times, rapid- fire. She’s planning something.

She forced me to eat a Heath shake at Cold Stone yesterday. Not my idea…HERS. Even after a very healthy first breakfast of whole grain cereal with bananas, and a very healthy second breakfast of Oats n Honey granola and yogurt, she caused me to crack. How is she so firmly in charge?!

I again feel so different after seeing that little rollover manouever. I feel we’ve reached a whole new level, Baby and I. I called for Tim  to come see, because I hoped she’d do it again. Of course, as she is firmly in charge, she suddenly got shy and decided not to budge at all. I want to see it again. I want to see a little foot or hand. This was a connection very different from the ultrasounds. The kicks are fun. The ultrasound pics are amazing and adorable. The roll…was babylike and real.
I’m going to be a mom. I guess I already am. I don’t even pretend to comprehend what that means. I think of the fun parts and the scary parts. I think of a 17 year old naive girl stumbling drunkenly into her car after a party, I think of a 3 year old girl snuggling in my lap and giving me hugs. I think of seeing her graduate from college, I think of her flunking out of grad school. I imagine guitar lessons or dance recitals, I imagine a teenager who locks herself in her room and won’t talk to me.
Television has given me a wrongheaded impression that parenthood is going to be sticky from one end to the other, and at some point, I’m going to be one of those teary, denial-filled mothers shown on Law And Order who swears her kid would never have stabbed a classmate for drugs. On the otherhand I think of the way I was raised, and the relationship I had with my parents. I struggle to figure out how to make Baby have the exact childhood I did. What did my parents say to me again? What was I punished for and what did they let slide? What was it that made me turn out to be an ok kinda person?? Because I cant seem to remember...
but right now, I’m imagining pushing her in her stroller around the park.  I’m imagining laying her gently in her bassinet so I don’t wake her up after a feeding. I’m imagining her eyes meeting mine with glazed baby-wonder when we see each other for the first time.
And I’m feeling this is becoming more real every day...and I'm excited. But I'm scared.