The story of your birth

The exact times and certain details remain fuzzy, I was working too hard to look at a clock, but this is the best I can recall! For-warning: This is REAL, I don't want to sugar coat how I felt and what i was thinking.

Well, here it is.  My LOOOOOOOONNNNNGGG birth story.  I figured I need to do it right, get as many details down as possible before I forget.  So please forgive me if it seems long winded (seems…hell, it is), but I am trying to preserve whatever memories I can before the baby sucks them all out of my head.
I seriously never thought it would be this hard to find a little free time with a newborn.  The eat like all the FREAKING time, and then they poop and then it leaks onto their cute clothes that are too big, and then you have to do laundry, and then you have to find time to pee, and then they have to EAT AGAIN!!!
It’s 3 in the morning.  I told myself I could not go to bed tonight until this was done.  I’m exhausted.  Enjoy.
May 3rd, 8:00 am – Wake up for the second time in 4 hours to pee…stumble to bathroom. Replace empty toilet paper roll…AGAIN. Ugh. Wipe, check TP (because this is now second nature)…no spotting.  Head to back to bed. Feel a Braxton Hick contraction on the way. I lay there for a while not sleeping, feeling my girl move around in there. 20 minutes later, another contraction. This is good. This has to be a sign of labor soon! I'm going shopping with my mom in a little while, so I get up and have some breakfast and get ready. I keep having those contractions, but I'm not really timing them. I think they're fake. Same ol Braxton Hicks I've been having for weeks now.
2:00pm- I've been out walking around shopping all day and those "Braxton Hicks" never let up, so my Mom starts to time them to see if they are regular. Every 20 minutes still. She thinks I'm in labor. I think, no way, this is supposed to hurt. Inside I'm hoping I am though! Try not to get excited, Kris.
3:00pm – We stop at my midwife Cindi's office to let her know whats up. I think this is a waste of time, my Mom insists we tell her. She decides to check me to see if I'm at all dilated and give me a little "sweep". I'm 1-2cm and I feelmy first REAL contraction! OMG I almost shoved Cindi across the room and I got so hot my body turned to instant sweat! THIS is what labors gonna be like?!?! (Maybe I don't want to do this after all!) We head out with orders to call her if anything changes.  I get home and tell Tim whats been going on. He doesn't seem fazed. He has to work and doesn't want me to stay home alone so I go with him to just hang out. The contractions are still coming every 20 minutes, but now they hurt like they did when she sweeped me.  All signs are pointing to meeting my baby soon.
6:00pm- I call Cindi because the contractions are now 15 minutes apart and are really starting to be uncomfortable. She tells me to do squats during each contraction because we don't labor to stall out, we want her to come today! Tim and I are both excited, but both trying hard not to show it. It’s like we’re afraid we’ll scare the contractions away.  So we hang up and I start this squatting business with the very next contraction. So within 30 minutes...
6:30pm- OK, they are every 5 minutes now. Still uncomfortable, but I'm alright...I think. Keep in mind I'm still at work with Tim so I'm managing OK.
7:00pm-  “Baby…I think I’m in labor. Its every 3 minutes now and I don't think I can stay here anymore. We need to go home.”
7:30pm- I decide to get into the bathtub, hoping to ease the pain. I called the midwife right before and she says to call her to come over when I think I need her. That this is MY labor and she only needs to be here when I don't think I can do it anymore without her. I'm thinking that I'm not real sure when that is because I'm really hurting now and with only 3 minutes between there's not much time for me to catch my breath. So I bath and shave. Yes, I shaved. Who knows when I’ll have time to do this again? Tim calls my Mom to come over. Contractions are still coming every 3 minutes.
8:00pm- I'm out of the bath and Tim has gotten everything ready...the birth pool is set up, the bed is made with shower curtains and old sheets, the floor around the tub has the lined table clothes down. He also lights candles and dims the lights. I’m starting my relaxation exercises, breathing and sitting on my birthing ball. I nearly die when I try to sit on the birth ball during a contraction and Tim reads my made up sign language that was meant to say, “Let me lean on you” as “Pull me up from this ball in the middle of this contraction”. Holy shit. That. hurt. so. bad. I want to beat him after the contraction is over. But I aim to please and I didn't want to make him feel bad for doing what he thought helped. I’m very caught up in all the details right now but at the same time I'm really in pain and with no time between I'm on all fours bending over the couch, face planted wondering if I should call Cindi now? There is no "good" position during a contraction. I sat I stood I squatted I sat on the ball I got on all fours. Nothing makes it better. Turns out the birth ball was sent from Satan himself.
8:30pm- The call is made. She is on her way. I'm crying now. That last contraction just really broke me and I'm only 2 hours in!
Breath, Breath...OK. I can do this. I got this. Remember the outcome.
9:00pm-12:00am ish- The birth team arrives and I'm so grateful. For some reason I feel like this means the baby will be here sooner. Ha. They start to fill the birth pool cause I am more than ready to get in warm water and try and relax a little. Even though it probably didn't take too much time I felt like it was hours upon hours before I could get in it. Tim and Dan are in the kitchen making brownies and food for after birth. Tim keeps coming in to sit with me and at this point I start to lose track of time. He starts his job as coach, rubbing my back through each contraction.  Moms close by doing the same. The only time I seem to be able to keep is the contractions that still keep pounding at me every 3 minutes and my water has yet to break. The music we want to welcome her into the world is now on, and it feels nice. The pool is finally ready. This is no pansy ass tub. It’s huge and deep and all bumps (boobs and belly) fit under the water at the same time. The lights are out and the candles are glowing making me feel like I’m at a spa, if it weren't for these damn contractions! I’ve lost most of my modesty at this point and I’m naked. The water feels nice, but oh, it still hurts like a bitch, make no mistake about that. I catch myself a couple times in the middle of a contraction thinking, “How can I do this again?” but I stop that train as soon as possible and promise myself to only think about each contraction as they come. That frame of mind helps immensely.
I spend an hour in the pool, laboring away, Mom putting cold compresses on my head, Tim rubbing me and quietly singing to the music. I get out out and lay on the sofa, and I hit a breaking point once again. This is the point of the night where things go fuzzy. I've been in pain for a while now with steady 3 minute apart contractions. I'm REALLY not sure I can keep this up. That’s okay, I tell myself, you’re probably really far along now and that’s why they are hurting so bad. I don't feel progress happening and my water is still intact and without being checked I am starting to give up...a little. So we ask Cindi to check my cervix because I can't go on not knowing the progress. She says I'm 6cm and my water is bulging. She tells me that's great news! You know, your over halfway there! I think, FUCK. Only half way?? I'm in an out of conscientiousness every 3 minutes, squeezing Tim's hand, listening to Michelle, the angel from God, talk me through each contraction. I'm starting to let out screams of torture.  “No. You can’t do that. You can’t let this get to you. You have to get it together.”  I like this girl. She’s not going to coddle me. She’s going to look in my eyes and tell me to put on my big girl panties and take it like a woman. Good. I need that. I've made it upstairs in bed now. I'm not sure how, but I'm losing it again. I'm gonna give up at any moment without any progress. She says "If I break your water you will go from 6 to 10 really fast and you will be able to push very soon. Is that what you want?” Is that what I WANT?? Are you kidding me? No. I want to experience this pain as long as possible and wait for the kid to decide at 5 tomorrow evening that she’s going to break my water in a game of darts. “Yes….YES.. do it…just DO IT NOW!” I see the crochet hook headed toward me, and close my eyes. I feel what I thought I would feel when my water breaks, a gush of warmth.
12:00am ish-3:00am- So THIS is transition. The rational part of my brain knows this. I know this is the quickest and most painful part of labor. I know that I am so close to pushing. I keep praying to feel that “urge to push” that I hear is just like having to take a giant shit. I mean, everyone always says how great it feels to push…how transition hurts like a bitch, but pushing is such a relief. The rational part of my brain says that I feel this awful because I will be pushing very soon and it will all feel so much better. However, the other part of my brain, the What The Fuck Have You Done part, does not believe the rational part.

Here is a brief excerpt from the conversation between the two sides in my head – “What the hell have you done? This is TERRIBLE!! You are such an IDIOT! You are going to die. You are too far gone for meds now...? You moron"
" Calm down, this is just transition. It’s good that you feel this way. That means you are close"
" What the FUCK ever. The only way this kid is coming out of you is if they kill you or cut her out. Way to go. You are NEVER doing this again. NEVER. Tell Tim that… tell him that NOW.”

I begin to get that I have to poop feeling. Yayayayayayayay!!! I feel I HAVE to push. I tell the midwife I gotta push, just in case it really is me having to poop. It’s about to start feeling better. I’m so exhausted from transition. I am passing out for the brief seconds I have between contractions. The natural instinct to bear down and push begins to take over. The midwife tells me to give it a try on the next contraction.
Its only been what I think is a few minutes, maybe 10, since she broke my water. So I start...Okay…so I just do what I think is pushing…well, crap…this doesn’t feel like it’s working… and HEY!… why is this not “feeling better”??? I have no idea what I’m doing. I begin to get a little freaked out. The next contraction comes, I start to push harder. I think I’m making a little more progress now, but THIS DOES NOT FEEL GOOD! What a load of crap! Everyone who says “Oh, pushing feels so good. It’s such a great feeling to push,” kiss my ass right now. Yes, it feels better than the alternative – keeping that 7 pound bowling ball in your vagina – but it does NOT feel good. It hurts like hell. 30 minutes later, I'm getting no where. I lay with my back against the headboard pushing, I squat on the side of the bed, I get on all fours on the bed. Nada. Cindi tells me to sit on the toilet and try pushing. It will help let me know the right way to push because its more natural to push while your on the toilet. So I do, and I have Aimee the birth assistant in front of me and I'm really squeezing her arms with every push. I mean bone breaking. Poor lady! But I can feel I'm doing it right. After some time doing this, I get orders to go up and down the stairs, squatting and pushing with each contraction. This really sucks! But this is really effective, I can tell I'm pushing her down now. I keep thinking of what she'll look like and how nice it will feel to hold her to get through each pounding! At this point its really the only thing that's keeping me going. My baby.
Back up in bed. We definitely have a routine down now. I ride the contractions and make lots of noises which I’m convinced are frightening anyone who may be outside cause the windows are open and for some reason I'm aware of this. Cindi says part of my cervix has not thinned out completely and its stopping her head from coming down anymore. She says she can flip it up over baby's head or I can just wait til it thins out. Seriously? I've been putting alot of work into pushing, I'm not waiting for shit. FLIP IT OVER HER HEAD ALREADY!!!!! She does and within a few minutes everyone is staring at my lady parts coaching me along. I start pushing like my life depends on it, and then I push even more. Everyone keeps telling me that I’m so close. I think they are lying. I tell them this aloud. I'm accusing them all of being big fat liars in my mind who are just telling me that so that I will keep pushing for the next three hours. I scream. I am sternly reminded not to do this by my midwife. I’m supposed to “push through the pain” and do deep grunting instead of high screams. This is so counter intuitive. They all say now they can see her head!! Tim has a great eye and sees every part of me that tenses up. He reminds me very sweetly to relax and keep my chin down and doesn’t let me hyperventilate or scream through the contractions, which is getting hard not to do. Push Krisi, PUSH! Mothereffer, I'm PUSHING!!!! Someone says, look at all that hair! They put a mirror down there for me to see, dang, girl does have a lot of hair! (I freaking knew it!)
3:00am-3:10am- Seeing her head actually coming gives me this superwoman burst. I'm getting her out, and I'm getting her out NOW! Problem is, I don't have anything left in me. I've been pushing for TWO HOURS! And I've been 3 minutes apart for 6 hours and I'm spent. But I have to just get her out, shes almost here and I want to see her. They say her hands are up by her face, making it real hard to get her out. So Cindi grabs an arm and gets it out and I push so hard I'm feeling that "ring of fire" now and it burns burns burns...out comes her head. She's completely alert and awake and her eyes are wide open, she's looking right at me. Oh my God. My midwife now says to let that contraction go and wait for the next to give her the final push. This ends up being, ironically, the LONGEST 3 minutes in the past 9 hours, her head just chillin down there. With one last harder than hell push, out she comes and up onto my bare chest. Shes really clean and isn't covered in all that messy stuff!
3:10am- I meet my daughter Harlan Grace. She feels so good against me. I can't believe this. This is unbelievable. I have a daughter. And shes perfect. And everything that just conspired over the last 9 hours goes away. Shes here.
She looks up at me and we both just stare at each other like the sky has fallen. She lays on me for a little while and we wait a bit to cut the cord, letting her get the most of it. She is so awake and she wants eat! Yay! I have a true breastfeeding champion here!
Tim weighs her, she's 7lbs1oz. and she is 20 inches. She looks so tiny. And has a pretty round head for a vaginal delivery.
I am so proud of myself for accomplishing a med-free birth. Tim was such a perfect coach too, as was the birth team. And I’m so glad that my mom got to be there for it all, helping me along, keeping me sane from start to finish. It was the absolute perfect birth experience.
I am so glad the pain is over….. or so I thought……
To be continued – stay tuned for the gruesome stories of post partum recovery.
9 days old
Ididn't get to have a photographer there, but here are the less graphic pics from her birthday.

Does blogging induce labor?!

I don’t know.  Let’s give it a try. Your 6 days from your arrival date, and we are ready now!

Questions for myself to answer after the baby is born:
1. Do you still have flabby ass?
1b.  If not, how quickly did it go away?

2. Do you still have heartburn?
2b. Did you birth a mini chewbacca?? (you know...because all the heartburn means lots of hair)

3. Did you feel your insides “fall” back into place when you got up from the floor/pool/bed the first time?

4.   Just how ridiculously big are your boobs now?

5.  Is breastfeeding more or less painful than labor?

6.  Are you still eating everything in sight?

7.  Is she as cute as she looks in all her ultrasound pictures?
7b. Did you have an ugly baby that everyone just tells you is cute cause thats what  you say when you see someones baby??

8.  How scary is it to go to potty
8b. And are you still going every 20 seconds?

9.  Did you poop during labor? (I'm so nervous of this!)
9b.  Did you give a rats ass?

10. Who does she look like most?

11.  Is she anything like you pictured?

12. When do you get to eat sushi???!!

13.  How does it feel to be let out of that bubble you and your husband have been in for the last nine months?

Okay… I’m sure I will come up with more later.
Come on out little lady!!

My apology to Mother Earth

With the upcoming Earth Day on Friday I thought I needed to say something.

I am sorry for the ridiculous amounts of toilet paper I have personally been responsible for flushing down the toilet over the last 10 months. Between the constant checking of what was going on and coming out down there, the excessive paranoia induced checks to see if I was spotting throughout the first trimester, and the increasingly frequent and futile trips to urinate throughout the pregnancy, I already feel like I’m personally responsible for at least half an acre of dead rainforest. Add to that my now constant urge to poop, which, just as in the constant urge to pee, rarely yields anything substantial, and I feel I am well on my way to killing at least one polar bear, as well.

The Top Ten

The following compilations are my top ten do’s and don’ts to say to your pregnant friends and/or family. If anyone reading this has been pregnant and would like to contribute to the list, please do. Let’s enlighten everybody.
Okay, so let’s start with positives. These are my top ten things you SHOULD say to a pregnant woman.

Appearance and Lifestyle
1. Pregnancy really agrees with you!
2. You are glowing! And I LOVE your shoes!
3. I can tell you’re trying really hard to be healthy! You’re doing everything right!
4. You have so much motivation to exercise while you’re pregnant!
5. Stop feeling guilty!
6. Your maternity clothes are so cute!
7 . I can’t tell you’re pregnant from the front! It looks like a little basketball under your clothes!
8. You work so hard!
9. Put your feet up, take a warm bath, and get a massage!
10. You are the most beautiful pregnant woman I have ever seen!

Choices
1. That’s great! I respect your choice!
2. Labor at home sounds like an incredible experience, and you will love it! It will change your life!
3. I can see you’ve really done your homework.
4. Women are just trying to scare you when they say that!
5. That was a smart decision!
6. Everything will turn out just the way you've planned!
7. I’m GLAD you want to breastfeed! I’ll help you in any way I can!
8. You can handle anything!
9. Labor? It’s not as bad as some women say!
10. You’re coping so well! You’re a rock star! You are ROCKING THIS PREGNANCY!

Okay, now let’s move on to things NOT to say, EVER, to a pregnant woman. I’ve heard all of them.
1. Are you CRAZY?!?
2. You’re going to hate that decision later.
3. The difference between a dead baby and a live baby is a CPR class. You’d better take one.
4. Your "giny" will never be the same after you give birth.
5. Wow. You have a huge baby in there. Huge. Seriously, that kid is going to be huge. That’s a big belly for a tiny woman.
6. You’ll change your mind about that. Just wait.
7. You’re going to be sorry if there is an emergency and you have a home birth. My baby was born with (insert disaster here) and WE BOTH would have DIED if we hadn’t been in the hospital.
8. My baby was born prematurely when I went out of town, you should just stay at home the rest of the time.
9. The WORST part of labor was (insert disgusting horror story here).
10. A huge beast stepped on my plant and killed it. (This person has apologized profusely and very sincerely but in  my hormonal emotional state its really only ok when I call myself a huge beast. Any other time I might have laughed. Not this time).

Thankfully, I am FINALLY learning how to blow them off. Like, in the past week. And some change has come over me, because I am finally able, in this last week, to be able to honestly look at myself and feel a certain sense of prettiness, and to actually love the belly. Not just accept it, but love it.
Why do people say weird things to pregnant women? And women who have had babies are equal offenders in the matter. My husband and I were just talking about this. It seems other women LOVE to share their horror stories, as if it’s their badge of honor. Why can’t having a simple, uncomplicated, safe, and healthy birth be a badge of honor? Why can’t so many women relish the chance to say “My birth went so well-we had no complications and everything was peaceful?” Instead, women love to come up to any random woman on the street that they may see with a belly and say “I labored for 36 hours and every moment was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.” Maybe it’s true, but if it is, keep it to yourself and SHUT UP THE FUCK UP, FOR GOD’S SAKE! BE SUPPORTIVE! Just because your birth was awful doesn’t mean mine will be!!!!

I am reaching a peaceful state of mind about our upcoming home birth after having our official home visit yesterday. I’m ready for whatever the moment brings. I have been hearing a word lately that has really resonated with me-surrender. There is only so much I can control when the moment comes. I will know my environment. I will know the 5 people who are there to help me. I will have some tools at hand that I’ve learned to try and cope with. Beyond that, the entire effort is a surrender to what my body is going to do, and I cannot control that in any way. I can only let go. Surrender puts you at peace in your heart. Knowing you cannot manipulate a situation to go the way you want is calming. Knowing that all you can do is go with it is actually comforting. This isn’t a test that I’m about to fail for lack of studying. It’s possibly messy and loud and painful, but not scary, not controlled by doctors, and not life threatening. And not controlled by me. What a relief. It’s a big burden lifted, actually. Before, I was taking total responsibility for how things were going to progress. Now, all I have to do is let it progress, and whatever happens, happens.

Just because...
Favorite foods while pregnant
1. Cereal & milk
2. Pineapple
3. Cottage cheese with sliced pears
4. Fruit Roll ups
5. Steak
6. Peanut butter
7. Strawberries
8. Potatoes
9. Granola bars
10. Banannas

Hug your pregnant friends today and tell them they are beautiful. If you keep saying it, they will start to believe it. It takes dozens of good comments and positive attitudes to make a pregnant woman feel secure and happy, and JUST ONE comment to bring everything crashing down to the ground and shake her confidence and make her cry! So everyone, both men AND WOMEN, please choose your wisdom carefully when sharing it with a woman who is nervous and pregnant for the first time-she’s freaking out way more than she lets on.

Attention Baby Girl

Attention Baby Girl:
Despite your valiant attempts to break free of my womb via my rib cage, I regret to inform you that you will be stuck in that increasingly small water balloon until you learn to head toward the tunnel located directly above your head. Yes, it may make more sense to try to kick and claw your way out instead of squeezing through what seems like an impassable channel, but I’ve been reassured by many a professional, books and experienced moms that this indeed is the way into the world for you. You’re going to have to trust me on this one. Start heading south.
And one more thing…if you could please be so kind and turn over into a more desirable anterior position so as to avoid making mommy scream from the pain and torture of back labor, I will forever be grateful. We only have less than a month now and remember that mommies are very powerful people!
From your Loving Mommy

Damn those tiny little drug dealers!

If you tell me you are going to be on a corner until noon, please don’t pack up shop and skip town at 11 while I’m out getting cash for my fix! Why must Girl Crack cookies be so elusive? I ordered 6 boxes from Tim's daughter who lives in New York back in January. Do you know how long I’ve been looking forward to getting my hands on those? I still have not received my order and I’m no longer up for being patient. Three times now I’ve spotted Girl Scouts selling them at various locations, but I never have any damn cash on me!!! I must remember to spend the entire months of Feb. and March next year with a secret stash of cash on me. All three times, the little crack dealers were gone by the time I got back with cash…GRRRRR. I finally got my hands on some last week, but they only had one box of Samoas left.  I think the Leader is a little scared of me now. I grilled them about when they would be back, how long they would be there, and how many boxes of Samoas they will have at that time. But now its April, and sadly the Girl Scouts are gone for another year. Boo Hoo Hoo :'(

Third Trimester Blues

You know how early in pregnancy you see those ginormous maternity pants and think “I’ll never fit in those” — or you hear preggos talking about not being able to see their feet or get out of bed without struggling and decide “that won’t be me” — as if the rules of pregnancy somehow don’t apply to you?

Eight months later, those ginormous maternity pants are too small, you can’t see your feet, and getting out of bed requires a four-step process: roll onto the side, push up with hands, slide off bed feet first, stand.

This is my reality, yet I’m still fighting it. This morning I decided to wear a summery dress to run my errands for the day and to disguise the dark circles under my eyes. I tried three options – a wrap dress from before I was pregnant, a non-maternity dress that’s a few sizes larger than I normally wear, and a maternity dress I bought 4 months ago. Guess which one fit?

That’s right, NONE of them. The wrap dress was the funniest – the loose folds of material that used to encircle me almost twice over didn’t even close in the front. Not mommy-appropriate, I decided.

So at a little over 33 weeks, it’s starting to hit me: I am super pregnant.

Strangers notice, comment, and smirk. One lady said yesterday, "Wow, your...your all baby!" And I know, that's supposedly a nice comment, but that's just it. I'm ALL baby. My belly is sooo tight and this extra weight is something my little frame is not used too.

 My sleep has gone to you-know-where. My husband has taken to calling me “the purple penguin” as I waddle around the house in my fuzzy purple robe with the sash tied in the only comfortable spot — right under my huge breasts. (Did I really once say that pregnancy is sexy?)

And I have seven more – seven more! – weeks of growing to do. Boo hoo hoo hoo.

Complaining about all this can feel icky … ungrateful somehow, even dangerous, as if I’m tempting fate. I know I'll want so much to have another child, and I know how lucky I am to be a healthy expecting mom.

When I was trying to get pregnant, I had twinges of jealousy when I saw super-pregnant women. They seemed so secure, solid, and satisfied in the knowledge that their baby was arriving soon. Or were they just worn out and counting the days until they could be non-pregnant?! Now that I’ve joined their ranks, I’m just not sure!

31 weeks and gettin lonley...

I am now in week 31 of being pregnant and that translates to “Oh Shit that means only 9 weeks left, If I in fact make it the entire 40 weeks!” Tuesday I will enter the EIGHTH month of pregnancy and I've finally made it into the single digit week countdown.  When I look at the numbers, I think I should be more anxious and freaked out.  I am very surprised that I feel really calm about it all. When I think about all this I mainly think about the outcome, you know, holding my little angel girl and just staring at her cutie face wondering who she'll be like, who's nose, who's eyes...all the usual narcissistic stuff! But I pretty much skip over the actual labor part, I just don't want to overly freak myself out when I know it'll all turn out just the way God plans for it to. According to What To Expect she is about 3 lbs and 18 inches long. Though her length should stay about the same the rest of the time, her weight should at least double, but lets hope not triple!!

So, I'm alone pretty much through my eighth month :( and it pretty much sucks! Its only been a few days so far since Tim has been gone and already I feel so...ALONE. I can't even text or talk to him so its really getting to me. It doesn't help that I'm so emotional already and I guess the timing isn't great either, just when I can't put on my own shoes and need a back rub every night he's not here :'( I know I'm just whining, I just really miss him and am dreading the next 20 days...

Awkward Pregnancy Photos

So, I have been considering getting pregnancy pictures taken recently. At first I didn't want to have any pictures of myself pregnant but a friend told me how much she regretted not at least having one or two shots because her kids wanted to know what she looked like when she was pregnant with them. And I know I always found the pictures I've seen of my own mother pregnant fascinating. So upon giving in I started to scour the web for decent photographers. I don't want your average photos by the beach wearing a white shirt and khakis with sea grass flowing in the background that you'll find in most local photographers portfolio. I wanted to find someone different, something unique. In my search today I didn't find anyone local enough that I liked, but what I did find I had to share...these are just a few of the gems I saw on awkwardfamilyphotos.com...lets call it "inspiration"!!




I can appreciate what they were trying to do here but if your Christmas photo looks like it should have a "becka, becka, bow wow" soundtrack playing in the background, then you may want to reconsider the card.


I can't decide whether I like the garbage bag dress, the swamp or his black socks in the water better.


"That's it, Steve. A little further back, a little further. Now crouch down. Perfect!" I think the ex-boyfriend may have been the photographer in this one.


This reminds me of a picnic. A good idea in theory but an uncomfortable mess in practice.


Words can't describe this photo. Oh wait a minute, they can!


Okay, part of me doesn't have a problem with this photo but the toe shoes are the real kicker. Ha kicker!


"It's going to be a good year, Laura. A very Goodyear indeed."


At first I thought "Nothing symbolizes maternity better than a watermelon and a gun" and then I thought "Actually, nothing *does* symbolize maternity better than a watermelon and a gun". Bravo Mad'am.




"If I'm holding the baby then why do I still feel fat?"


Um, yeah. No. I'm just going to go with a solid no on this one.


Why do I feel like this woman was talked into this? I could see her thinking, "I'm just too tired to argue plus the kids won't be able to take off because hockey equipment will slow them down and I'll hold their heads. I'm sure it will look fine."

 

First let me say that these two probably had one of the cutest babies on the planet because they have the sweetest faces. I just love how she's looking at him tenderly while stealing his gun. There simply aren't enough pregnancy/gun pictures.


When I first saw this I was beyond WTF? But then I was so damn impressed with this guys agility that I'd rock this over the fireplace!! With a gun, of course.

 
Lastly, I wanted to show you all  brilliant shots that these adoptive parents did. Do you think they would adopt me too because I love them. It's no naked headstand, but I love them. Very clever.

Ladies and Gents, Introducing...

                                      Our Baby Girl!!!!

Blind shaving is NO FUN!

It’s official:  At 29 weeks pregnant I can no longer see my lady parts and I've already seen my feet for the last time for a while.  I was actually so glad when I was struggling with shaving this morning because I knew that I’d be able to blog about it!
I haven’t blogged in about a week and that’s only because my life has been filled with laying on the couch and watching tv.  Nothing else. Sounds fun huh?!  Since nothing eventful happened, I had no topic to cover for a pregnancy blog post, hence my couple of days without anything.
But now I have something to talk about…(the only man that reads this is my brother, so here's your full disclosure warning, this may not be an interesting one for you!)
So I was in the shower this morning and I felt “down there” to feel that there seemed to be a lot of hair.  Ugh.  I spared my husband this time around and I took the razor and attempted to clear the forest without being able to see what the hell I was doing.  It was a struggle, I tell you.
Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to feel something, go over it with a razor to try to remove it, and to feel it still being there?  Well, if you don’t, let me just tell you that it is extremely frustrating.  I even thought something was wrong with my razor so I switched.
Nope, definitely not the problem.
What is it about pregnancy and hair growth?  It’s ridiculous.  I can deal with the extra hair on my head and the no shedding (how fabulous is that?!), but really, can’t we all be spared with it comes to our lady parts and armpits, I mean my armpit hair grows back before i even finish shaving it! And don’t even get me started on the hair on my stomach! I'm a little lucky I guess since it is light so my belly hair isn't all that noticable.
But I did try to remove as much hair as possible and I know that there was a lot (I know, I know, sorry if that’s too much information, but really, it’s just part of being pregnant) because the razor was full each time.  Oh. Em Gee.
You can bet that I will be recruiting Tim to do a job well done there the next time, that’s for sure! I've read alot of women who just let it go down there while their pregnant, but I'll be damned if I welcome my baby into the world with a full grown Amazon Bush circa 1972!! I'm hippie, but not like that!
I also attempted to paint my toenails once I got out of the shower.  That was a no-go too. I mean they're painted, but so was the entire skin around the nail too!  I told my husband that he would have another job on days like this when I don’t have the energy to get a pedicure.  He just laughed – I wonder if he thinks I was kidding...Poor guy.

We're on the home stretch Baby!

Dear Baby,
I’m 28 weeks pregnant with you, which means you’re about 26 weeks (ish) old.  Even though we haven’t officially met yet, I feel like I’m starting to get to know you.
For instance, I know you have at least two hobbies: Rolling over and karate kicks! One day not long ago, I counted three separate instances of you hiccuping. I hope it didn’t bother you too much. When I have hiccups, I just want to get rid of ‘em. Supposedly, you having hiccups is a sign of your maturing nervous system and it’s a good thing. And though your ninja kicks sometimes take me by surprise, I know your doing good in there. And since your Asian I guess I can forgive you for that, I mean its only natural for you!
You seem coziest in my lower abdomen, usually way below my stretched-out bellybutton. Yet, you have plenty of room to stretch out if you want. Sometimes, I feel you moving at my sides. Other times, you’re trying to tickle my ribs. I guess if you were mostly higher up, it might be more uncomfortable for me to take deep breaths. Instead, I get to go to the bathroom all the time, since you’re squishin’ my bladder.
I’ve decided I’m your “apartment” since I take care of the exterior (me) and your own living quarters are pretty much up to you, unless you need special assistance. By the way, you’ll be getting your eviction notice pretty soon. In nine weeks, you’ll technically be full-term. In 12 weeks, I’ll be 40 weeks pregnant, or at my official due date. If you choose to be a little slow to vacate the premises, your landlady will probably try to encourage you to leave. Please move out when you’re fully ready, but I’d really appreciate it if you came on your own. I’d rather not be induced, if ya don’t mind.
You do owe rent, but it won’t be due for a few decades. You’ll pay that by having a child of your own. Yes, my dear, that’s what we call the circle of life *cue Lion King theme music*.
Your daddy and I have already finished getting your room put together. I ordered your crib and dresser and your Daddy put all the pieces together. I hope it’s cozy for you. After a frustrating time trying to sort through the bazillion different varieties, we settled on a 4 in 1 convertible crib that was highly ranked by Consumer Reports! Let’s hope it doesn’t get recalled. Seems like that happens a lot.
We got you a mattress that’s also supposedly one of the top baby mattress choices out there. It’s ultra-firm and it weighs like seven or eight pounds. That ought to be nice when it’s 2 a.m. and your diaper explodes and I need to put new sheets on the bed! I have double mattress lined and sheeted it in case that happens! But for the first few weeks you'll be sleeping in a beautiful bassinet in our room :) or quite possibly in Mommy and Daddy's bed if you so choose!
Also, we picked up your car seat travel system. It seems cozy enough. In theory, it’ll last you a little while.
I’ve got a closet full of clothes for you already, but it still doesn't seem to be enough! I’m keeping track of it by sizes so I know when I have enough of certain items, but I don't know how big your little booty is gonna be so its tough deciding how much of what size. No offense, but I’m expecting you to be a messy baby, with lots of spit-ups, barfs, diaper explosions, and general baby goo. Go ahead and surprise me and be a neat, un-gooey baby, but I’m not holding my breath (except for when I’m changing those stinky diapers!).
Because of that, I anticipate needing to change your clothes a few times per day. I want to have enough clothing to be able to do your laundry no more than twice per week, is that wishful thinking?!
This week, your daddy and I will attend our first Bradley method childbirth class. We hope to meet some nice people and learn how to help you be born.
Last week I took my gestational diabetes test, and I haven't seen our midwife yet but I'm guessing I'm OK because I assume she'd call me if I did have it as I'd have to change my eating habits. I'm not into diets, so thank God for that!
Yay to us both for making it into the third trimester! This last bit is going to be something else. You’re going to grow a ton of that cute baby fat, and I’m going to plump up a lot! Whatchoutnow!
See you soon!
Love,
Your Mommy

He's ugly but man he makes great sperm!?!?

According to FOX News, findings from the University of Oxford and University College London claim that attractive males produce less sperm during sex. Researchers think good-looking males are biologically geared to hold back their sperm in each sexual encounter to increase their chance of impregnating more females. (In simpler terms, the hunks are going to have many chances to have sex, so they are programmed to not give everything they’ve got in one shot. The ugly guys somehow realize they may not get other chances and put all their sperm in one basket, so to speak.)

Here are my problems with this study:

How does a researcher determine who is good looking and who isn’t? Isn’t beauty in the eye of the beholder?

What about guys who go around thinking they are good looking but aren’t? Are their sperm confused as to whether they should stay or go?

Did some ugly scientist come up with the idea for this study to prove his manhood?

(Does anyone else remember that old, offensive song that went something like, “If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. So from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.” I think I hear a sequel in the works . . . .)

Boobs, Milk and Drugs

The other evening, I picked up one of my “How to care for an infant” books and began reading. I think it’s a pretty decent read for those of us who haven’t had a child yet and are looking at a baby wondering, when do I feed that thing? When do I wash it? Why is it breathing all creepy?
I picked up some useful information. I had no idea that a baby gets a white mouth if it has thrush. I didn’t know a newborn needed “Tummy Time.” You get the idea. Little nuts and bolts of raising an infant to make me more informed, less ignorant, and therefore more confident.
However, when I got to the breastfeeding section, I kind of panicked. It sounded highly technical and riddled with difficulty. Broken down into hours, ounces, infections, blocked ducts, overproducing, under producing, pumping, freezing…Ugh, its incredibly discouraging. As I read, I became convinced that my baby was going to reject me, not eat, become malnourished, and in a last minute save I’d be forced to give her a bottle and hence feel like a massive failure.
So in a kind of panicky mood, I emailed a few people, and thankfully, my midwife answered the call. She told me that there was a breastfeeding support group that meets monthly, a La Leche League they call it. I immediately email the "president" to find out the schedule. I'm not really one for group joining, and I don't typically like to meet anyone new (I know, I'm a hermit loser!) but a whole group of women that sits around breastfeeding, talking about breastfeeding, teaching about us newbies about breastfeeding, YAY for me, I'm attending!!
So then I receive an email from a friend with this link to a video showing the difference between an infant who had a medicated birth and one who had an un-medicated birth. The video shows the baby on the  mothers chest right after birth. It’s really powerful testimony when you seen an alert little guy grab onto a breast right away and know exactly what to do, as opposed to a sleepy and lethargic little guy who couldn’t quite seem to get it together. He almost seemed confused by the breast and didn’t even really try for it. If you’re reading this and you want to see, check it out-link is below…

http://www.facetofind.com/video?w=MTE0NDc4ODk4NTczMTk2#downloading


I've known from the moment I found out I was pregnant I wanted a non medicated home birth with a wonderful mid-wife helping me along surrounded by my family. But seeing this video makes me feel even more confident to make it through, as hard as it may be, all natural. I don't want my baby born all doped up off pain medicine just because I couldn't handle it! (Mom, when I'm screaming for pain relief during my labor, remind me of this!! LOL)

Its Real.

Last night, while I was taking a bath, I saw Baby do a complete roll over. It was fascinating. I thought, “wow, a person just rolled over in there.” Obvious, but continually startling, is the fact that a baby is hanging out in my uterus. She’s two pounds-ish. At this point, she’s a tiny and fully formed baby-looking baby. And I don’t know what parts I saw moving, but it was definitely a first-time massive show of force by the Baby growing in there. The other night, she kicked me 6 times, rapid- fire. She’s planning something.

She forced me to eat a Heath shake at Cold Stone yesterday. Not my idea…HERS. Even after a very healthy first breakfast of whole grain cereal with bananas, and a very healthy second breakfast of Oats n Honey granola and yogurt, she caused me to crack. How is she so firmly in charge?!

I again feel so different after seeing that little rollover manouever. I feel we’ve reached a whole new level, Baby and I. I called for Tim  to come see, because I hoped she’d do it again. Of course, as she is firmly in charge, she suddenly got shy and decided not to budge at all. I want to see it again. I want to see a little foot or hand. This was a connection very different from the ultrasounds. The kicks are fun. The ultrasound pics are amazing and adorable. The roll…was babylike and real.
I’m going to be a mom. I guess I already am. I don’t even pretend to comprehend what that means. I think of the fun parts and the scary parts. I think of a 17 year old naive girl stumbling drunkenly into her car after a party, I think of a 3 year old girl snuggling in my lap and giving me hugs. I think of seeing her graduate from college, I think of her flunking out of grad school. I imagine guitar lessons or dance recitals, I imagine a teenager who locks herself in her room and won’t talk to me.
Television has given me a wrongheaded impression that parenthood is going to be sticky from one end to the other, and at some point, I’m going to be one of those teary, denial-filled mothers shown on Law And Order who swears her kid would never have stabbed a classmate for drugs. On the otherhand I think of the way I was raised, and the relationship I had with my parents. I struggle to figure out how to make Baby have the exact childhood I did. What did my parents say to me again? What was I punished for and what did they let slide? What was it that made me turn out to be an ok kinda person?? Because I cant seem to remember...
but right now, I’m imagining pushing her in her stroller around the park.  I’m imagining laying her gently in her bassinet so I don’t wake her up after a feeding. I’m imagining her eyes meeting mine with glazed baby-wonder when we see each other for the first time.
And I’m feeling this is becoming more real every day...and I'm excited. But I'm scared.

A letter to my daughter

 

Dear Baby,

My favorite time with you so far is around midnight-one o’clock. I’m already in bed, Tim is asleep, the puppies have settled down, and the world is quiet. The only person that seems to be awake is you.

I’ll be laying there just on the precipice of a dream and you’ll start bouncing away inside of me. It’s amusing because you rarely ever move during the day. I just think it’s because you like the rocking movement caused by all of my running around in the day. When things finally settle down and I become still, you decide that it’s time to wake up and say hello.

I don’t mind. Even if it’s been the longest day of my life, your little kicks still make me smile :) You’re the most active then and it’s like you’re giving me a preview of what life with you is going to be like. Unexpected. Unpredictable, but always ever so exciting. I almost don’t want you to come out. I don’t want to share those moments with anyone. I want it to always be you and me like that. At the same time, I can’t wait to see you!

Last night was the first time I’ve felt you get the hiccups. It wasn’t for very long, but I’m sure that’s what it was. I can almost imagine what your pretty little face looked like the when you got them!That’s something we’ll always share, you and me. Your first hiccup!

Love,

Your mommy

His girls can swim!

Turns out we got lucky in our sex selection journey. After months of reading how to make a girl/boy books (don't judge me!) we had finally found ourselves ready to start trying last June. Each month I followed the "steps" to successfully make a girl baby. My generation is called the "Microwave" generation, we want what we want and we want it NOW! We think we don't have time to wait or time to save, which is one of the reasons my generation is mostly poor and unsuccessful. But that's another blog! Anyway, after 2 months of unsuccessful pregnancy attempts I was growing impatient.
Go figure.
So the next month, August, I was like screw it. I checked to know when I was ovulating and "practiced" baby making with Tim everyday that week, the 3 leading up to ovulation, the day of, and the 3 after ovulation. Lets say it was a real good week for him! Lol!
To successfully make a girl, apparently you have to only "practice" the few days prior to ovulation but stop 1-2 days before actual ovulation. See girly sperm swim slow but live long and male spermy swim fast but die quick so it would make sense that after 1-2 days only the girly sperms are left ready to pounce when my egg drops.

But, my impatient self got the better of me, I had baby fever, and I just wanted to get pregnant! I thought, everybody else just does it and God will give me what He will either way, so we went at it the old fashioned way and low and behold...HIS GIRLS CAN SWIM!!!

Oh my God I'm having a...!!!

Well I had my ultrasound follow up the other day. I went in to the appointment thinking, this is IT! THIS is the day I will find out the sex of my baby. (I know there are you moms out there who say, "its the last real surprise in life to wait until Baby is born". Great for you! But I'm just not that mom!) As you all know, the last ultrasound let me and all of you down when my little "problem child" would not get into a position to see its little parts, let alone a good position to get all the measurements the tech needed to document for my midwife. So this time around, at 22 weeks, I felt so confident, thinking, at this point 1.the baby is much bigger 2.i feel it move around ALL the time now and 3.I've been seeing the chiropractor who specializes in pregnancy and turning breach babies and I've doing all the recommended inversions so there's no way we won't find out!
Wrong!
Never underestimate the power of an unborn child!!! I hike my ass up on that table and she starts prodding around with her wand and low and behold, my baby hasn't moved out of the same spot from 4 weeks ago! Pardon my not so "mommy like" language but, WTF!?!?
The tech is all "I remember this baby, the hardest baby I've ever had". I'm all "this baby is already grounded from day one if it doesn't show its parts today!" I'm rolling over from side to side, sitting up, laying back down, ANYTHING to get this child to move around.
So I'm already feeling disappointed, again, that we will have to wait and I won't be able to shop! Until, just before the tech is going to give up, the baby gives us a little view of its hiny and Tim goes, "I think I just saw a hamburger!" and the tech says "I'm pretty sure that's what I see to, but I don't like to call it unless I'm 150% sure" then she pauses the picture and we all sit there staring at my baby's hiny...
theres definitely no twig and berries there. And the tech says she won't say what she sees, but she'll tell me what she doesn't see and that's a hot dog! So...
ITS A GIRL!!!!